Question from client/past healing student (I love my healing students, always feel like I’ve got a bit more in my heart to give, able to reach that little bit deeper, even when snowed under):
“…. this girl has been flirting with me since I first met her 8 years ago and I have always rejected her (because she’s a serial flirt). She’s chased me for some time now, and when I finally catch up with the girl for real (we spent the last 2 years regularly chatting online), she turns on the charms and I fall for it. After 3 days we like each other a lot; I am completely myself since she’s known me from the chats and she is her charming self (which I fall for like a rookie, it’s liked I learnt nothing these last few years).
We have a great week together, but then I feel a shift. Turns out my ‘flakyness and inconsistency” was too much for her to handle and she’s not so keen on me anymore.
Needless to say my self esteem has taken a massive hit because this time I was actually myself and she didn’t like the real me. I am so tired of being rejected, especially since this time I was so myself. She has shed light on this side of me that has been bugging me – I don’t want to be flaky, I don’t mind being a bit airy fairy and funny and random, but I want to be intelligent; in fact I know I am intelligent, I just feel like I can’t project that at the moment.
Is there anything you can suggest, advise on what would help make me feel better. And any exercises, visualisations, or specialists I could see that would help fix my memory (although I feel like this is linked to the meditating I’m meant to be doing).
I am so tired of being rejected by women, even the ones that show an interest in me to begin with. It makes want to be a monk to never feel that hurt feeling of rejection again….”
“My heart goes out to you my friend. I understand how it feels to be rejection and not ‘liked’. I’ve been thinking about your email for days now. I feel like I have some answers, the rest I will just ‘wing it’, see what comes through.
First of all, if this person is a serial flirt, please keep in mind how addicted she might be to the ‘chase’. These people tend to have commitment issues. They love the pursuit, especially when a person initially resists them (this make the possible conquest seem all the sweeter; it makes you seem more irresistible). But once you have succumbed to their charms, you don’t look so shiny anymore. They can’t help then but to look for your flaws. You were more attractive when you were unavailable, because 1, they enjoy the chase more than the capture, and 2, the have commitment issues. In essence, people with these wounds don’t know how to be contented, they don’t know how to be in a relationship, and they don’t know what the hell to do with you once you actually turn around and face them, saying ‘Ok, I’m up for it’. Quite often, your surrender to their pursuit will see them running a million miles in the opposite direction, because they are afraid. Because they don’t entirely understand themselves, all they perceive is a ‘turning off’, a decline in interest. Suddenly you are no longer intriguing or magical to them anymore. So they look for your flaws- surely, it must be your fault, that you are no longer attractive to them anymore!?
It is so, so important that you don’t take this too deeply to heart, even though i know you will, because you are only human, and it is perfectly natural for you to feel the way you are feeling. But really, this is a lot of her ‘stuff’, not yours.
I also want to point out that she didn’t REALLY know the real you. An on-line flirtatious relationships is not a real relationship. She didn’t really know you. It’s so good that you relaxed and were yourself. Would it be horrible if you put on an act designed to appeal to another person, then they feel in love with you, and then you had to maintain this false self to keep them? Yuk! Far better for you to be your real self and then, if the other person doesn’t like it, they can bugger off. (excuse my language)
Stop thinking you have to change yourself to be desirable to others. That is crap.
BUT. I am hearing you. If nothing else, the real issue here is:
Are you disliking your ‘flaky inconsistent self’ because she rejected and judged it, or did you genuinely have issues with this part of yourself even before she came along? Either way, making your peace with this part of yourself if going to be necessary, if you are to move forwards.
So here is an exercise, or series of exercises for you:
What do you dislike about your ‘flaky, inconsistent self’?
How does this personality trait impact on you in negative ways?
Where does it come from….? (theories ok)
What do you love, like or admire, about your flaky, inconsistent self?
How does this personality trait benefit you in positive ways?
Where does this come from?
WHY can’t you project your intelligent self at the moment?
What might happen if you did?
What would it take for you to be prepared to, or ready to, project your intelligent self?
What does your intelligent self look like? (how does he behave?)
Imagine your intelligent self and your flaky self looking at each other.
What do they think of each other? (what are the judgements)
Help them find a way to respect and admire/honour one another.
(help them praise and appreciate each other)
Imagine them merging together as one
Work with some mantras (self-talk). They might sound something like this:
“It is easy for me to embody my intelligent self”
“My intelligence radiates from me.”
“I am an intelligent, light-hearted person.”
“I am intelligent and random and this is beautiful.”
“My randomness is beautiful because….”
“My randomness doesn’t detract from my intelligence, it enhances it.”
“Other people won’t always love and accept me for who i am, but that’s ok. The important thing is that I love and accept myself for who I am. If i want to change for the better, the best place to start is with loving, accepting and honouring myself.”
“It is safe for me to improve my memory and appear more intelligent to others.”
“I give myself permission to appear more intelligent.”
Get very clear on why improving your memory is important to you, then research memory improvement exercises.
Consider purchasing my on-line (e-book) version of the transformation workbook (type in Om and Blurb into google), to help you accomplish these goals and uncover subconscious resistance.
PS, if you want to reply, we can post this as an on-going healing process.