I’m noticing many of us are going through some profound transformative journeys at the moment. Painful journeys that make us feel a little (or a lot!) crazy, and yet, in the calm places we intend and/or stumble upon in amongst the chaos, we feel stronger and clearer than we ever have before.
What really matters? Does anything matter? What’s the point of it all?
A strange sense of emptiness. An inner ache that whispers ‘something is missing’, when you are at your most vulnerable.
For some of us, this period of time is about past-life review. Not past lives, but our past in this life. I have found myself traversing a relentlessly slippery slope into agonising pain. At its worst, I thought my heart would break with sadness for what I had been through. Memory after torturous memory, and even a little shock. Did I really go through that? How was that okay? How am I okay? How could that have happened. Self-pity: It’s something that can make even the person experiencing it squirm with a little discomfort. Self-pity isn’t really all that endearing, but when it grabs you, it grabs you, and you might as well face it, accept it, and get the most out of it.
There is a really beautiful side to self-pity: self-compassion. When you can get off your own case about the self-pity trip for a moment and just feel genuinely sad for yourself, this empathic acknowledgment of past pain can provide you with a sense of finally feeling heard and validated. When you listen to an emotion…. I mean, really listen to it properly… and then respond in a loving way…. the part of you that feels this way begins to heal. And that is a lot preferable to having this emotion keep yelling at you all the louder whenever it manages to break past your defences and make itself be heard.
When we have a memory, it’s very beautiful if we can look into that memory from many angles. Every time a memory is re-triggered, we have an opportunity to see the memory differently, to explore the story in a new way. So in one moment, the emotion might be self-pity, but if you can allow that, and stop resisting it by judging yourself for feeling that way, the self-pity will pass. It turns into something else; a new mood, a new perspective.
This, in and off itself, can be confusing. How can I love someone so much and yet hate what they have done to me with a fierceness that make me want to roar? How can I feel so deeply shredded by grief and yet also feel so blissful at peace? How can I feel so powerful and so powerless, all at the same time? In one moment, I see myself as a victim. In the next I am a million times less a victim than I have ever been. Self-pity gives way to awe-filled self-respect. Wow. I turned out pretty okay considering. And I did a damned fine job of manoeuvring through a virtual mine field without getting blown up.
At one point in my journey, Spirit said ‘Don’t let go.”.
“Of what?”, I asked.
“Your sanity”, Spirit replied.
I understood. This message was a ray of light. I knew I had to accept the fact that I felt like I was going crazy and yet have faith in my own capacity to stay sane. Spirit was telling me that all I needed to do was hold on to and have faith in my sanity…. they would take care of the rest. I surrendered and accepted the paradox. “I am becoming unhinged, without becoming unhinged.”
Because this is exactly how transformation can feel. As though you are cracking up. And to some extent, you are. The old self is breaking apart as you release it, and the rebirth isn’t always pain free. Like the tower in the tarot, the firm stability of our self-perception, life-story, emotional habits and those supposedly reliable things out there in our external world (like people, jobs, routines etc)… sometimes have to come tumbling down if they are to be improved upon. Renovating our lives and our selves can be a messy process and it pays to get comfortable with the seeming chaos of it all.
A beautiful moment for me came when, after being tortured mercilessly for hours by memories that felt as fresh as they day they were first born, I suddenly found a little spark of light. I grabbed hold of it for dear life. “Do a soul retrieval”, my sister had told me, last time we had spoken. Of course. I refocused my will and faced each memory, one at a time, gazing directly into it. First I sent the memory healing; a glorious shaft of golden light, like a sun ray coming in through a large window into a shadowed room. Then I walked into each memory and I rescued myself. I took the me-that-I-was by the hand and led her away from the scene, into safety. I gave her love. I wrapped her in light.
As I collected each self, I anchored back into my now moment. “None of this is happening right now”, I told them. “We are safe. You are safe. I am safe.”
Phew! That’s what you call holding onto your sanity in the face of provocation! And so many of my clients are going through exactly the same thing. Take heart! The journey is a good one. Each day brings more light.
My new gift, from a friend-sister, is “I matter. I am.” I really like it.
Do you remember people in your past making you feel like you didn’t matter? Feeling invisible, powerless, pointless, small and voiceless? Those wounds tend to stay with us and they can colour our now-moment if we don’t stand back and put them into context. It’s so easy to get confused and think this old stuff being stirred up is all about what’s happening now, when the now-moment is a completely different kettle of fish. (And no, I won’t ever apologise for speaking with sayings and analogies because I absolutely adore the multi-sensory experience of conveying ideas and feelings with images and stories. Bliss!)
So. Now I have a gift for you. I dare say if you are reading this, it’s because it’s the perfect moment. There is something here for you. I’m pulling a few cards:
Aura Cards: Playful Orange and Mastery Blue
The shared qualities these two aura frequencies have is:
*Staying present in the moment.
*Adapting to changes
*Flowing gracefully, spontaneously, easily.
We can combine these colours together to create stories like :
*By resolving my childhood pain, I am gaining access to the soul-aspect of my inner child- the part of me that is irrepressible, and unable to be damaged by anything. This is the most beautiful and wise part of my inner self. When you heal your wounded inner child, you liberate the magic and joy of the higher self’s most childlike qualities: joy, playfulness, delight, spontaneity, innocence, youthfulness, vibrancy.
*I trust my inner mastery. I embrace a belief in ease. I let go of my ideas and just take things as they are. I trust myself, but I can also clearly see when I am expecting struggles and hardships that may never occur. I pull back and see the bigger picture. I have faith in the perfection of all things. I remember to just BE, without complicating things. I am.
*I put one hand on my belly and one hand on my throat. I speak for the child in me. I speak with the child in me. I remember that even though I feel small like a child, every one has a small child inside them too. I remember that I am not just the child. I am the wise adult. I am the Master and the Seeker both. I am the Fool and I am the the Wise One.
This flower is featured in my Centralian wildflower spirit journey book.