Relationships and happiness

I just got through two paragraphs, reading a blog about relationships, and suddenly realised my husband and I have been together for almost 27 years. “Why are we so happy with each other, so happy together?” my husband asked me earlier today. I shrugged. “We’ve worked on it. Most people don’t.” I sincerely believe relationships are an art that needs to be practised, a skill-set that can be developed, like anything else in the world.

That might not sound incredibly romantic, but if grounded pragmatism bores you I can broaden the scope and tell you that I also believe my husband and I dreamed each other into being, beginning in childhood. We already ‘knew’ each other before we met. We were brought together by a star that has kept us orientated on one another, so we don’t lose out bearings. But that stuff is our private magic, the sacred stories we share in the right moment at the right time, around a campfire with friends.

Let me tell you instead about the practical magic I feel can be applied to any relationship to help it bloom and flourish, and seeing as most of what I’ve learned I’ve learned from my husband, I’d better check in with him and convey to you what he thinks are the secrets behind a good relationship. But he’s watching the football now, so I’ll let him soak up that joy while I immerse myself in the bliss of the written word and I’ll ask him when he comes to tell me about the game.

My husband and I have learned that you have to meet each other half way. You aren’t in a relationship if you aren’t willing to do this, you are just pretending. Relationships are about compromise and negotiation, about being prepared to give a bit because you love the other person and what you have together. Half way. That means don’t be a stubborn pain the neck, and or let the other person act like a spoiled brat. Love doesn’t do that. Love cares about itself AND the other person.

Find a middle ground, or take turns. It really is that simple. You aren’t right all the time. Neither are you wrong all the time. You can’t have what you want all the time, but neither should you constantly sacrifice your needs like some heroic martyr. The beautiful thing is, that when two people love each other, beyond speaking up to express your needs and feelings (with kindness and respect), you don’t usually have to argue your position much or fight for what you need, because the one who loves you will hear you and meet you half way, at the very least, just as you will do for them.

Good relationships are about kindness. My husband and I don’t always agree, but we have learned to argue (debate) with kindness, and with respect for one another. We don’t tear each other to shreds, but we do express hurt, disappointment, frustration and so on. You can do all of that without fighting dirty. Don’t do or say what you will regret later. Don’t damage the relationship, because arguments are just arguments. They pass.

And it helps to have a wee bit of a sense of humour. It truly can be hilarious when you realise you’ve heard it all before (your own carry on) and your partner is finding clever, light-hearted ways to point this out to you.

My husband finished the game. I just asked him what the secrets to a good relationship are. “Having fun together. I could give you an entire list. Sharing experiences together. Having children together. Travel…. I think honestly is important. That means being able to be yourself and letting each other be who you are. You find you mould each other into perfection anyway, in the end.”

Anyway, that’s his wisdom for now, and mine, because now we’ve got some great conversations to have together.

 

Blessings!

 

 

 

 

Happiness Yellow

Screenshot 2015-10-07 10.27.13On a feeling level, Happiness Yellow feels very similar to Warmth Yellow. Visually, Happiness Yellow is a primary yellow, without any orange added. Energetically, it could be considered the basic healthy state for the mental aura. Authentic Happiness Yellow sits in the core of our being with a very stable, solid sureness. When this colour is being used as a front, it sits in the outer aura and can seem too bright and shiny, almost as though over-compensating.

Happiness Yellow reflects our happy moments in life. Everything is shining brightly and flowing along smoothly. We feel good about ourselves and the situation we are in. This happy state is usually temporary and can easily be destabilised by changes in our external circumstances, unless we have learned to cultivate Happiness Yellow as a personality trait. With practice, Happiness Yellow can become a fairly permanent mind-body state that can weather the storms of change and hardship that are a natural and inevitable part of life. Continue reading

Trickster energy

A few weeks back I was practising for my upcoming backpacking trek by trudging to the bank in the heat of the day, with 10 kilos in my pack. I was going to pay for the re-printing of my Grandmother’s wildflower book and was on the tail end of five days of high stress load, feeling overwhelmed by suddenly becoming a publisher and a hiker on top of everything else in my life.

I knew I wasn’t balanced because my body was telling me so, and I had noticed my thinking patterns were getting a little unhealthy. Suddenly, a leprechaun jumped on the back of my pack. I pushed it off, cross that my psychic imagination was encroaching on my personal space without being invited, knowing this was another sign that I was pushing myself too hard, and losing my grounding.

Continue reading

Loving where you’re at

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I’m in bliss again. Slip out of it occasionally, but these days, I manage to get back there very often, and to stay there for longer. I’m even getting to the point where I can very consciously feel when I’m slipping out of it and what the triggers were and how to redirect myself.

What is bliss? Bliss, for me, is being present in the moment, being connected with my inner child and my heart, and really loving life, to the point where I get a bit excited, or bouncey, because the wonderful feeling inside almost makes me want to burst. I love being like this. I’ve tested out lots of states of being in my wee 40 years so far, and this is the one that works best for me.

What works for you? What is your bliss?

How do you know when you’re in bliss?

For me, I can tell I’m in bliss when I feel kind of confident and sassy, yet childlike and playful at the same time. I laugh a lot. I dance. I sing. I paint. I write…. oh boy, do I write up a storm when I’m in bliss! I love writing so much. Oh yeah, and I use the words “I love…” so much it probably gets annoying for people.

When I’m in my bliss, I’m pragmatic, straightforward and direct. I say it how it is, with heart. I’m a bit cheeky, but seem to get away with it. I ┬átell stories and delight in other people’s stories. I inspire and am inspired.

When I’m in my bliss, I stretch and relax like a sensuous, purring cat soaking up sunlight, in a sweet spot in the garden. There’s always plenty of time for having fun and I’m so inspired by life that energy bubbles from me. So does warmth and humour.

How do you know when you aren’t in your bliss?

I know I’m not in my bliss when I get too serious. Life starts looking a bit scary and things seem overwhelming. My thinking gets a little messy and raggedy. I worry and I over-complicate things. I let people’s behaviour, attitudes or words get to me and affect me in unhelpful ways. I take too much responsibility for how others are, and how they feel and I try to meet all their expectations and somehow lose myself and who I really am in the process. And then I panic and withdraw and shut people out.

What happens to you?

Another thing that happens when I’m not in my bliss is that I’m either wallowing in something shameful or painful from my past, or I’m chaffing at the bit for the future to arrive right now and then getting angry because time is moving too slow and people aren’t co-operating and things are going wrong. ┬áSometimes I manage to wallow and be impatient at the same time! I’m pretty tricky huh?

BUT! When I’m in my bliss, I’m loving my past because it was totally brilliant and perfect for me and I appreciate it so much. Even the scungey bits are wicked when I feel blissful. And I’m cool with the future arriving whenever it wants to because I’m having so much fun right now.

Being in my bliss takes work, and lots of practise. It’s a space that requires cultivation and protection, mostly from my own bad habits- the ones I am unlearning. To enter my bliss, I have to make time for the activities that bring me bliss. Instead of letting my ego tell me crappy things like (picture my blissful self rolling her eyes and saying ‘yeah right! in a sarcastic way after each one):

*You have to work really hard because all these terrible financial things might happen if you don’t.

*You have to book this troubled person in because it’s all up to you to save them.

*You have to work really hard- if you aren’t exhausted by the end of the day you didn’t work hard enough.

*Everyone is thinking badly of you. Terrible things are going to happen. (definitely time to redirect my wonderful imagination along more positive pathways)

*You have to make lots of money and be successful because these are societies rules about ‘doing well’. This is what will gain you approval from that big world out there. Put money and success first before everything else! (This one is total puke material)

*You’re weird. Pull your head in and hide under a rock. (I think this voice would get a compassionate hug from my blissful self and a kick up the arse afterwards. “Wear you’re weirdness with pride sista!”)

 

What about you? Do you have a crappy voice in your head saying shitty things that really don’t help?

Pooh! Flush it!

Start again.

Choose Bliss.